Such a Headache
by FalstaffKisaragi
Summary: Instead of the Shiny Rod, Akko finds a wand belonging to another one of the Nine Olde Witches before she even leaves Japan. However, the Dora Scepter has a mind of its own, in a way that threatens to derail the story before it can even begin!


"One of the Nine Olde Witches has a history in Japan," Akko thought to herself, looking over the magical books she had imported from England. They were expensive, and Akko's grasp of English only extended to what she had learned in school. Still, with a Japanese-English dictionary at her side, she powered through and read what she could. "Before her banishment to Planet Nemesis, Bandora helped the Nine Olde Witches in founding Luna Nova, with her understanding of primordial magic and close connection with magical creatures."

Woodward was one of most influential of the Nine Olde Witches, being the one who had inspired Akko's idol, Shiny Chariot. Yet, she was interested in everything she could learn about the magical world. With magic decreasing in the world, Luna Nova was one of the few remaining witch schools. Akko had tried to see if there was one in Japan before she went, but there were none to be found.

While waiting on her acceptance letter to Luna Nova, Akko spent her last year at her regular Japanese middle school with her head in the clouds. When she had a day off, she visited Akihabara. The electronics district wasn't the place for her. The only wands in store were plastic replicas and toy wands meant for children. Still, she had come here on a suggestion from one of her classmates, spreading rumors that there was a shop which sold real occult goods. Akko, wanting to find real magic, took that risk and boarded a train for her dreams.

One store caught her eye on the way in. It was a curiosity shop, selling goods from the Super Ranger series. Hanging on the shelf above the front desk was a mysterious wand. Akko almost passed it over, focusing her attention on a golden mallet with a shuriken sticking out of the back. Right beside it was a bracelet with a small heart attached to a tiny collection of rainbow-colored jewels. She came to her senses once she saw the wand once again.

It was the same wand depicted in all the magical history books, the one used by Bandora herself. It was said to have been around since the time of the dinosaurs, and could channel the power of earth spirits, including control of all sorts of mythical monsters. The wand had been thought to be lost to history when Bandora was banished to the planet Nemesis - twice - but somehow, it was here. For sale, and with nobody interested in buying it. Akko inquired about the price.

"That much?" asked Akko. "That's so... expensively cheap."

"Do you want this for a cosplay or something?" asked the shopkeeper, balancing a doll of a fly on his shoulder.

"You don't understand. I'm training to become a witch, and I need something more than just the standard wand! The kind of thing Shiny Chariot would use. You have to sell me that Dora Scepter!" Akko said.

"I'm not budging on the price," the shopkeeper replied.

Months passed. Akko kept buying Shiny Chariot trading cards, selling off the rares she already had copies of to make money. She saved her New Year's money, and worked a part time job at a shrine, until she had just enough to buy the wand. The shopkeeper handed it over to her, wondering where a middle school girl got that much money. With her wand in her possession, Akko continued waiting for her acceptance letter to come in.

She had made it into Luna Nova, and set course for England with the Dora Scepter in tow. Getting it past customs proved difficult, but Akko was allowed to let it pass. Without being near a ley line, it was little more than a fancy cosplay prop. The wand was strapped to her back like a sword, looking out of place on a girl of her stature. She knew with this, she was going to make a big impression on her first day at Luna Nova.

Akko saw the other girls flying through the Ley Line in order to reach the school. Every time she had tried to use the wand, she wasn't able to take off. While she could perform basic spells with it, the ley lines in Japan were rather weak, with most of them being concentrated around Tokyo. If Akko tried to perform a big spell there, her school life would have ended before it started.

Now that the wand was around natural magic, it began to respond to the environment. A puff of smoke, and a penny-farthing bicycle appeared before Akko. It was different from the bikes in her youth. The front wheel was disproportionately large, and the back was unusually small. It looked like the sort of thing that would be seen in old serials.

"Ah, well, good enough," said Akko.

The bicycle was tougher to ride than her more modern ones back at home. Yet the basics were the same. Akko found that she had to keep pedaling in order to keep it lifted off the ground. She hadn't yet figured out all the things the Dora Scepter could do, especially since the one book she could find about it was written in ancient magical runes that she couldn't read.

Akko pedaled her bike up the steep hill to the gate where students were vanishing into the magical liminal space. At the top of the hill, she saw two students who had bumped into each other, spilling the contents of their bags near the bottom of the gate.

One was a bespectacled girl with orange-blonde hair. Akko briefly glimpsed the title _Night Fall_ on the book before it was stashed away into the bag. The other was a witch with a dour expression, pale skin and long, violet hair. She didn't say anything, instead she focused on carefully inspecting a small vial of liquid to make sure that it hadn't cracked.

"Sorry," said the glasses girl. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"It's not your fault. We were distracted by her stupid bike," said the dour girl. "What sort of Iwerks cartoon did you pull that out of?"

"I... werks? Yes, I have worked hard at magic to get here. I'm the only witch from Japan in this year's class!" said Akko.

"Right over your head, bike girl," said the dour one. "Sucy, by the way."

"Lotte," said the glasses girl, also introducing herself.

"I'm Akko Kagari!" said Akko triumphantly. "The one chosen by the Nine Olde Witches themselves."

"That's crazy. You're crazy," said Sucy.

"Most of the Nine Olde Witches' wands are in museums or used only by the most senior of mages," said Lotte. "They wouldn't be lying around in a pawn shop."

"Then where did the bike come from?" asked Akko.

"That's what I'd like to know," said Sucy.

The trip through the ley line went awkwardly. Sucy and Lotte flew normally, but were repeatedly distracted by Akko flailing about on her strange bike. It didn't help that her plums were messing with the line's signals. The exit came up faster than they had planned. The courtyard of Luna Nova was in sight. While Sucy and Lotte touched down by the front gate with the other students, Akko ended up careening into the astronomy tower. She flew through the window, her bike vanishing in a burst of magical energy.

Akko rubbed her head, wondering what she had hit on her way in. The gem in the center of the Dora Scepter began to glow, and Akko heard a voice speaking to her from inside her head. She repeated its words through her mouth, focusing on a telescope inside the tower.

"Yes, the magnificent Dora Scope! I thought I had lost it forever when I abandoned my palace. To think that it still exists. Maybe my chances of revenge are not so slim after all," said the voice.

Akko shook her head, shunting the voice to the back of her mind. The last thought lingering in her mind had been something about the moon. She tried to remember what it was. The moon had been altered by a blast of magic that left a magical shape on its surface. The exact details had remained a mystery, even to this day.

"The opening ceremony is starting soon, I don't have time for this," said a voice on the other side of the door. "Who's there?"

The door opened, revealing the youngest teacher at the school. Professor Ursula Callistis, teacher of astronomy and a general wreck of a witch. Her long, blue hair hung down over her robes. Her glasses covered her eyes, making her look all the more awkward.

"Am I expelled on my first day?" asked Akko.

"Oh, it's a student," said Ursula. "You're not supposed to fly brooms before the school year even starts... where's your broom? Oh, you must be Miss Kagari."

"So this is your tower," said Akko. "Sorry about that. I'll help you clean it up later."

"That's fine. You didn't make a huge mess," said Ursula.

As Akko carefully made her way down the stairs of the tall tower, Ursula caught a glimpse of the magic wand on Akko's back. It was nearly as big as Akko herself, and had to be very carefully carried to fit into the narrow corridors of the astronomy tower.

"How did she find that?" asked Ursula.

The threads of fate that bound Ursula to Akko were still there, but had slowly become unraveled by the hands of destiny, or perhaps a writer. This isn't the first time such a thing happened. A girl from space visited Luna Nova once before. Perhaps that was in another timeline. Or perhaps this is another timeline. Take note, what whims the muses may weave, or you know. Things like that.

Anyway, with the Dora Scepter as her primary wand, even Akko's skill with the bog standard magical wand was significantly greater than it would have been otherwise. There was just one catch. The magic in the Dora Scepter was designed to torment children, and the students of Luna Nova, on the cusp of adulthood as they were, were in many ways still children.

This made Akko quite the nuisance in class. It started when the lumps of clay the class used for Basic Alchemy ended up turning into giant, humanoid golems that almost wrecked the classroom, stopped in time by Diana. Akko was also frustrated to find out that her bicycle didn't qualify as a broom for the flight class, and her skills with a broom were still nearly nonexistent.

Her first confrontation with Diana came during lunch. Akko had been forced to keep the Dora Scepter in her dorm room between classes, as it had been reported by all the teachers and a few students for causing trouble. Yet, Akko seemed to be embracing her nature as a delinquent.

"You've grown too attached to that wand," said Diana, walking up to Akko's table. "Of all the Nine Olde Witches, why are you following in the footsteps of the one who aimed for world domination?"

"World domination sounds fun. That's why," said Akko, eating the Udonna-brand noodles she had brought with her from home.

"I'll have you know that Beatrix was by far the best of the nine. She focused her life's work on healing, rather than destruction," said Diana.

"Yeah, you're just a lost cause," said Hannah.

"A total loser," added Barbara.

"Bandora worked with a lot of magical creatures," said Lotte. "The spirits who keep Luna Nova in good shape owe a lot to her."

"If you're going to idolize someone from Bandora's line, at least look up the works of Magiel," said Diana. "Her aesthetics are much better, and she worked with unicorns."

"Unicorns are real?" asked Akko, nearly snapping out of her Bandora-induced trance. "Maybe I won't need a broom if I have one of those."

"Never mind," said Diana. "She's far too much of a neophyte to understand the full scope of what she's dealing with."

When the staff was dormant, Akko had found fast friendship with her roommates. Lotte had been doing research on the scepter. Magical tools were her speciality, and a wand of this caliber was something most witches would never dream of encountering. As for Sucy, she was mostly wondering how to use Akko's powers to make school life more exciting in a way that she could control.

Akko found a group of friends in the dorm room not too far down the hall from theirs. Amanda, Constance and Jasminka shared classes with them, though not all the same ones. Constanze in particular captured Akko's attention. In a recent dungeon crawling class test, Constanze had found a treasure in the dungeon that the teachers unanimously praised her for, saying that the Philosopher's Stone situation would be under much better control.

After the alchemy incident, Akko had only been allowed to use that clay during class, and only if the Dora Scepter was kept far away. Still, Akko felt like she had to amass an army for some ill-defined reason. She found her answer when she met Constanze walking in the hall, a group of pint-sized robots carrying raw materials and power tools right alongside her. Akko stopped the marching robots in their tracks.

"Where are you going with those robots, little missy?" asked Akko.

"I have no need for your dark magic. Leave me be," said Stanbot No. 1, speaking on behalf of their creator. Its stances and expressions mimicked Constanze's own. After that, Akko tried to interfere no further with the workings of the young genius and her robots, even if they reminded the voice in the back of her head of someone she used to know.

A problem had arisen with the Jennifer tree. Something on it was inhibiting its source of magic and nutrients. The teachers had entrusted Diana with solving it, owing to her magic prowess and strength in healing spells. However, Akko had also been nearby. Some part of her remembered what was on it due to her fascination with Shiny Chariot. The Dora Scepter, on the other hand, had other ideas.

"I'm afraid we have no choice but to get rid of these growths. If the Jennifer tree isn't in good shape, the rest of this school won't be either," said Diana. Trees were important to witches. Yggdrassil was said to be the basis of all magic, which all smaller magical trees were descended from.

"You don't understand, Diana," said Akko. "These aren't mold. They're butterfly cocoons." Her voice sharply changed. "Just the raw materials I've been looking for. What I lack for clay, I can make up with in real creatures!"

"Akko, what are you?" said Diana. "You're not Akko at all. You're Bandora!"

"Don't wear it out, kid," said Bandora's voice, speaking through Akko. "By the invocation of my wand, come to me! Dora Mothman!"

The Pappiliodya on the tree hatched quickly, the butterflies within converging into a single, humanoid creature. It looked like it might just be a human in a silly costume, but it wasn't. It was a humanoid insect with giant wings bearing the magical insignia of Luna Nova across its back. The Jennifer tree began to return to normal, but the courtyard had been thrown into chaos. Students headed for the halls, positioning their wands as they waited for the teachers to arrive.

"Ooh, fascinating," said Jasminka, continuing to eat her lunch even as the Mothman landed in the middle of the campus.

"Let me at 'em," said Amanda, brandishing her wand like a sword. "I busted the Dover Demon when I was in fifth grade. This thing is no problem."

"I thought it was a Jersey Devil," said Jasminka.

"Boston ain't anywhere near Jersey!" said Amanda. "No matter, a cryptid's a cryptid."

Professor Finnelan tapped Amanda on the shoulder with her wand. "Miss O'Neill, you will not be busting any cryptids on my watch. This is strictly a problem for the teachers."

"Yes, professor," said Amanda, crossing her arms and pouting. The next time she had an opening, she was going to head out onto the campus and fight the monster herself.

From atop her penny-farthing, Akko bicycled out onto the center of campus. She held her wand to her throat, and projected her voice across the school. She issued something between bragging and a stern warning, that made all the teachers take note.

"Listen, foolish students of Luna Nova! I am the greatest witch in history, Bandora! This young girl has allowed me to return to this world, carrying my spirit from the planet Nemesis! My path of revenge shall begin here!" said Akko, a voice speaking through her.

It was a voice Akko thought she had heard before. It was from a show she enjoyed watching in the evenings with her mother, after she saw a story about witches on TV. She tried to fight back against the voice, claiming that she was here to develop her own magical powers, and not that of the ancient mage possessing her body, but it was to no avail.

"Revenge?" asked Lotte.

"Well..." said Professor Ursula. "Bandora was one of the Nine Olde Witches, but her presence in the group diminished once the source of her powers was revealed. Her title remained, but she wasn't allowed in any council meetings. She was only stopped by a group of legendary heroes who... drove robotic dinosaurs. In fairly recent history. When I was a little girl."

"Fascinating! It's just like _Night Fall_ ," said Lotte.

"I'm really wondering how this is compatible with our world building," said Sucy.

"Akko, you idiot!" shouted Diana. "Professor Ursula, how can we free her from the spell of the Dora Scepter?"

"There is something written in the old tomes," said Professor Ursula. "I have to go the library for further study."

A green jet of light projected itself from the end of Amanda's wand. It was thin, like a fencing sword. That should have been enough. Dora Mothman was little more than a collective of several hundred butterflies. If they could be freed from the magic binding them together, they'd take to the skies and leave campus no worse for wear. All she had to do was the find the spot on its body where there was an opening.

"Bring it on," said Amanda.

She thrust her wand towards the creature, but it folded its wings over itself, creating a thin but nearly impenetrable shield around itself. Amanda thrust her wand into the ground, launching off it like a gymnast and landing on the other side of the monster. It barely had time to process what had happened before Amanda punched it across the jaw, sending it stumbling to the ground.

"Not so tough now, are you?" said Amanda.

Akko descended, her bike vanishing in a cloud of magic. She noticed that Constanze had been hanging out nearby. A group of Stanbots had been monitoring the area, tracking the presence of the Dora Scepter ever since it arrived on campus. Akko trained the staff on the robots, and gave them a command that overrode Constanze's programming.

"Let's not be scared. Bandora likes having fun," said Bandora through Akko. "Let's play a song!"

The robots were each granted an instrument in their size. A pair of drums, a clarinet and an accordion. The accordion was Bandora's favorite instrument. It was jaunty and magical, while also requiring a degree of skill and a kind of whimsical outdatedness that, even after making a contract, she still believed she possessed.

 _Looking at the Earth, it looks like a shining blue sapphire_  
 _But when I glance through the Dora Scope..._

As much as the students didn't want to, they had to admit, it was a catchy tune. Some of them began to clap and stomp their feet, if only to buy some time to prevent Akko and Dora Mothman from doing any further damage. The song played its full length, at which point Professor Ursula and Lotte returned. Lotte shouted out the words that could break the Dora Scepter's spell over Akko.

"Bandora loses her magic when she cries!" said Lotte.

"How does that work, exactly?" asked Sucy.

"The things that made Bandora a great witch came from selling her soul to the Great Satan. Admittedly, that didn't do much for the perception of witches at the time," said Ursula. "But yes, if Akko cries, Bandora's magic should fade away!"

"That sounds easy enough," said Sucy.

"It won't be that easy," said Diana, speaking up from the crowds. "I have not known Akko for very long, but she is someone who's relentless and persistent. I'm sure the real her is in there somewhere, fighting against Bandora's influence."

"Yeah, but it'd be over in a second if we could get her to cry," said Sucy.

"You have a point," said Diana.

"Hey, Akko. You suck as a witch. Like, really suck. Black cats consider you bad luck," said Sucy.

"Wouldn't mentioning Shiny Chariot hurt more?" said Diana.

"I'm trying to make her cry, not be a total asshole," said Sucy.

Professor Ursula, nervously twiddling her thumbs, tried to direct the conversation to anywhere else. "Let's not bring Shiny Chariot into this. I've... I mean, she's been through enough."

"I'm not really one for insults. We need someone who's good at dissing others, and has a grudge against Akko specifically," said Lotte.

"Leave it to us," said Hannah.

"We're gonna be heroes!" said Barbara.

Dora Mothman flapped its wings, sending them high into the branches of one of the trees. Hannah waved her arms and legs about, while Barbara huddled against the branch like a frightened cat. Brooms weren't outside at the moment, so they had no immediate way of getting down.

"The tree's not that high," said Sucy. "Just jump, you cowards."

"Damn you, Kagari!" shouted Hannah.

"Why are you good at magic now?" said Barbara.

There was only one choice left. Diana cast a magic circle around herself, affording herself a temporary shield. She didn't know if it would work on Bandora's creature magic. Such things had not been studied in centuries, and were fundamentally different from the tamed familiars most witches controlled today. Still, she had to break through Akko's defenses, and there was only one way to do that.

"I remember you from that Shiny Chariot show, vaguely," said Diana. "If you don't stop this charade, I won't be your friend. Shiny Chariot fans don't use their magic for revenge. I thought if we had that in common, maybe we could have something... more?"

That was enough to get to Akko. She had come to Luna Nova to make friends with witches from all over the world, and to be an inspiration to all. The same as Shiny Chariot. To think she had given that up, stumbling on the first step, for a momentary boost of power and a whole lot of yen, made her eyes begin to glisten with tears. Akko broke down crying, collapsing to her knees in the courtyard.

"Next time. Next time I'll get it right," Akko said, breaking down into tears. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Bandora, leave my body. I don't want you around anymore." She threw the Dora Scepter on the ground.

Only a few feet away, Dora Mothman dissolved into a cloud of shining butterflies that began to set off towards the horizon. Diana embraced Akko, looking back towards Professor Ursula with an awkward expression. She had her own demons, but they hadn't manifested as overtly and as dangerously as Akko's had, only a few days into the semester. Akko tried to wipe the tears from her eyes, and prepared to head back to her next class. She hoped that she could eventually be forgiven for what had occurred.

"The problem isn't gone yet," said Professor Ursula. "When Bandora's creatures are defeated, they have a tendency to... return."

"Return?" asked Lotte. "I thought resurrection magic was a rare occurrence."

"It is," said Sucy.

The Dora Scepter hovered in the air, sending sparks of lightning around it. Thunder cracked around the campus. Bandora's voice spoke through the wand, laughing with all the theatricality the old witch possessed. Completely untethered from Akko, she set the second phase of her plan into motion.

"Evil spirits resting beneath the earth, grant us now - HAA! - your power!" the Dora Scepter said, before hurtling down to the ground like a javelin and striking the ground of Luna Nova.

The grass opened up, red lightning passing between the dirt and smoke. In its place, a giant figure of Dora Mothman appeared, raising his arms and gesturing dramatically. Beneath him, the forests and brickwork of Luna Nova looked like a miniature. Mothman could barely make a step without the ground rumbling.

"I thought he flew off!" said Amanda.

"The Dora Scepter can revive beasts even if they have no physical body," said Professor Ursula. "It's a magic that works based on what you can't see."

"How are we supposed to deal with that?" said Amanda.

A voice rose above the crowd. Jasminka reached into her pocket and threw a magical artifact across the school grounds. It was one Constanze had found in the dungeons long ago. It was a combination of a small blade and a flute, with a brilliant green coating. Constanze had been studying how to play it.

"I'll call for help," Constanze said. "This Beast Play Sword will show the way!"

"She spoke!" said Akko and Diana in unison.

Constanze played a melody upon the flute. It reminded Akko of the music from her hometown, the kind of thing that might be heard at festivals. The flute's joyful melody echoed across canvas, audible even in the highest tower. Constanze spun the instrumental weapon about in her hands, sliding it back onto her belt like it was any other tool. She posed triumphantly, a smug look across her face, and waited.

The flapping of wings echoed in the air. A gray Eastern dragon, letting out a mighty roar, appeared. He landed on the campus. The courtyard had just enough space to contain both the dragon and the giant mothman. He bent down and spoke to Constanze, giving her a tired, aggravated look.

"I wasn't supposed to show up this early. You still had weeks left before your rent was due. And I am already in my pajamas," he said. "What, pray tell, did you summon me for?"

Constanze pointed to Dora Mothman.

"I'm not much of a fighter these days, but I suppose this will have to do," said Fafnir.

Dora Mothman and Fafnir grappled with each other, threatening to break apart with the campus with the force of their mighty blows!

Wait, hold up, we're really doing this? I know it's too early for Grand Charion, but wow, Akko. You have really thrown the timeline out of whack.

Hi, Judge Sucy, judge of all Sucys here. I know, what am I doing outside Sucy's head? All of this has been a court document from the outside Sucy showing what happened when Akko was given the wrong wand. This has gotten too silly, so we're going to start the timeline over.

Better luck next time, Akko. Don't jump at anything magic just because it looks cool.


End file.
